It’s uncanny how “I just want my freedom” can slowly morph into “I just want to be treated fairly,” then “I can’t let him/her take advantage of me” till one day you’re telling your lawyer to write a letter to your ex’s lawyer over an old couch.
Decoupling from a marriage or long-term relationship is a tough, emotional process, and it can be incredibly hard to stay focused. Most people at some point in the process see themselves feeling pettier than they had ever thought they would. Part of hiring an experienced lawyer is not just having a hired gun but having an experienced guide to help you choose reasonable goals and stick to them. This is particularly important if your ex’s attorney is eager to run up the bill by fighting over every little thing.
There are going to be things worth fighting over – houses, pensions, spousal maintenance, parenting plans. If your ex is determined to be unreasonable, this may mean going to court. And if you do go to court, you might as well play to win.
The trick is to work with your attorney to ensure that your hard-earned money is well spent on things that really matter to you. Choosing your fights, and letting go of the smaller stuff is often difficult, but it’s a big part of the process of getting on with your life. One reason people tend to over-value things like furniture is that it becomes an unfortunate metaphor for the larger personal investment that didn’t rise in value as they might have hoped. Gaining perspective on this is critical to getting through the process in one piece.
Personal property is rarely worth paying your lawyer to fight over on an item by item basis. I usually recommend (in cases without domestic violence) that my clients try to agree with their ex, without attorneys, on splitting the tangible personal property such as televisions, computers, furniture, books, CD’s, DVD’s, kitchen utensils, garden tools, etc. This not only saves money, but can often be a means of working towards closure for both parties.
If this kind of agreement is impractical, I suggest that my client make a spreadsheet with a proposed split of furniture and other personal property, listing each item at garage sale prices (not replacement prices). This way the items can at least be negotiated in a more efficient way between counsel. We often hit a point of diminishing returns, however. It may not feel fair to let your ex have the couch, even if it is old and a bit worn. But it usually makes more sense than paying me to fight over it.
Some people, sadly, insist on being petty to the end. I have had clients move into the family home at the end of a relatively peaceful negotiated settlement between attorneys, only to find that their ex had removed everything that wasn’t nailed down, even the light bulbs from the sockets. I remind my clients that while light bulbs are relatively inexpensive to replace, the person who did this has to live with what they’ve done, and how they’ve acted.
In the end, remember: The best revenge is to live well. You can always buy a new couch.
